Exploring Boundaries with your Partner
Have you ever been at a party or conference and watched two people who are standing up talking to each other? At times you might notice that they are moving each other around the floor of the room. Why might they be doing that, you wonder? One reason could be they have defined their boundaries differently.
Most of us usually think of the skin as being the outer most region of our body. The skin is only the most solid representation of a person’s outer edge. In actuality, there is an energy field that goes beyond the solid physical body. This energy field helps define a person’s personal space. Whether you are aware of it or not, everyone has a self-defined personal space around them. Although there may not always be a conscious awareness of it, there is usually a reaction when another person gets close or invades that personal space. This is one aspect of a boundary.
Physical boundaries help us define our personal space. How comfortable do you feel when someone is close to you and how close do you feel comfortable? When you are talking with someone, do you like to feel their breath on your cheek or would you rather they were at least an arm’s length away from you? Do you notice a difference among the different people in your life? With your partner or lover, for example, are you more comfortable when they are close in contrast to your boss? How close do you like your boss or employees to be when talking to them?
There is not a definitive right or wrong answer, there is only the developing awareness of your own personal boundaries to help you facilitate a more comfortable relationship with those around you.
Whether we have defined them to ourselves or not, we all have personal boundaries that are physical, emotional, and situational. There are not right and wrong measurements of boundaries, just personal beliefs and preferences.
Another aspect of personal boundaries is related to time. How much time do you feel comfortable spending with your partner? Are you the type of person who wants to come home from work and tell your partner everything that happened to you and listen to their day’s occurrences and thoughts? Or, are you on the other end of the spectrum and prefer to come home from work and sit by yourself reading or watching TV for a while before you engage with your partner? Are you someone who would rather spend nearly every waking moment in the presence of another person, or would you rather spend most of your time alone with contact sporadically throughout the day… or even week?
The same types of questions can be asked about emotions. Are you someone who wants to share everything you think and feel, or would you rather keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself? What about situations? How often do you like to go out with other people versus how much time would you rather stay home with just your partner for company?
By remembering that none of these questions have a right or wrong answer, you and your partner can explore your similarities and differences. If you can do this without judgment but have a sense of curiosity and adventure, getting to know yourself and your partner can be a lot of fun.
On the other hand, blaming your partner because they are “an old stick-in-the-mud” when you want to go party, for example, is not helpful to the relationship. Rather, if you find disparities between you, the challenge then becomes; “how do I get my needs met within the parameters of this relationship?” Knowing that you cannot change your partner…. Make them more interested in going out with friends, for example, you can find ways to spend more time with your friends while your partner can spend more time at home.
At Harmonious Heart Counseling, we love helping couples find a comfortable balance within their relationships. Call us, 970.222.9666, or go online and check out our website: www.harmoniousheartcounseling.com